That the world is spiraling towards the nadir of insensitivity and rude behavior is not news to me. We have companies selling products to women that tighten and whiten their vagina. We have men who want us to believe that catcalls are a compliment to our beauty. We have a society that is raising an entire generation of women telling them that it is all very well that you are smart and educated and we will celebrate your success too, in one or two instances like when you win an Olympic medal or when you are part of a prestigious space mission but please don’t make the mistake of thinking that you will ever be as important as your male counterpart. We will always ask you to make the sacrifices – your dreams, your aspirations, your hopes. They will always be the first ones to be tossed in the name of maintaining peace in the family or for keeping the family together. God forbid you think that you have any authority to make decisions just because you are more educated or bring home the bigger pay cheque.
For the most part, it is easy for me to dismiss the greater injustices that are committed in society since I am blessed to occupy the strata of society that is educated, has a liberal mindset and is hyper aware of women’s issues since most of us are parents to daughters. This definitely does not mean that gang rapes, eveteasing, mob molestation, dowry deaths don’t shock or depress or sadden me. Every case that I read about or watch on television leaves me despairing about the world I am bequeathing to my child.
A couple of instances in the last few weeks have hit close to home, though. What is agonizing is in both these cases the perpetrator or the one at fault is a woman.
In the first instance, one of the elders in our family passed away. He had, for the majority of his life lived with his nephews and nieces, his wife and a son having died long ago. A few days prior to his death he was in extremely bad health but his death was unexpected all the same. The entire family kept expecting him to pull through. He is survived by one daughter and grandchildren. On his passing, the nephews called the daughter and asked her to come to the village as quickly as possible with her son so that the last rites could be performed. She flat out refused. Her argument being he had died on a weekday and none of them could take time out from their “busy” schedules to come perform the last rites. She asked the nephews to go ahead with the rituals and she would try to make it to the 13th day, if they had the time. One component of this behavior is also the fact that she did not want to spend any money on the funeral. If she didn’t show up for the same, the nephews would have to undertake all expenses.
The second instance involves an acquaintance of ours. We are an extremely small community in the suburb we live in. Most of us are recent immigrants and have no family to fall back in the country we call home now. Our friends fulfill the role of family for us. We counsel each other’s kids, watch them, feed them and offer the support system that grandparents, uncles and aunts would have offered back home. It is extremely normal for us to yell at each other’s kids if they’re out of line. This kind of behavior would never fly in India but it’s considered ok here because some of the people that yell at my child are also the ones she goes to, when she has an issue that she and I don’t see eye to eye on.
It is a relationship where we rely on each other’s sensitivity and honesty. The unwritten rule is no matter what, we will not talk behind your back. If we have a problem, we will let you know face to face. Ours is also a very disparate group in terms of financial status, lifestyles etc. We have a group where some are rolling in money while others lead a middle class existence, some of us are working mothers but we have an equal number of stay at home moms. Some of us are extremely religious and spiritual while others are atheists and agnostics. Despite our differences we have bonded because we have the ability to respect each other’s point of view. While one person is teaching our children the vedas and the underlying meaning beneath, we have another person advocating science and scientific explanations for the same. Our children are allowed to pick and choose what they’d like to believe.
This particular acquaintance of ours is very tied to social status. With her, everything has to do with what kind of cars you drive, what address you live at and how much jewellery you have. She constantly compares and will make friends with you if you meet her social criteria. I do not fit her criteria but she’s friends with me because she wants to be friends with one of my closest friends who meets all her criteria of social status. The other thing I am not a 100% comfortable with is she constantly bitches behind people’s backs. “Oh, you know X, she has a weight problem, she needs to eat less. Her baby’s already 9 months old and she hasn’t lost any of the baby weight.” Or “you know Y, she’s a miser, cannot stand to spend money.” or “M doesn’t have any sense of style, she’s fat and just doesn’t know how to dress according to body type.”
The people she talks about are close friends of mine. I know the struggles of the woman who hasn’t lost the baby weight. She’s forever watching what she eats and like we all have been telling her, her baby’s only 9 months old. She will lose the baby weight slowly but surely. The one who lacks a sense of style, I know she doesn’t dress according to her body type, but she is always decently dressed. The woman who can’t stand to spend money, I know what her financial struggles are.
It doesn’t help that this acquaintance of ours has a parenting style that is completely different from ours. Her kids are spoilt brats but God forbid you ever point out to her that her kid’s out of line, (None of us has ever bothered to correct her kids since it will lead to a long, horrible argument with language not fit for company. I have witnessed a few hapless souls who made the mistake of correcting her kids) she will defend her child and his wrong doing too. Plus, I don’t know what she’s been telling her son but I have, on two occasions caught him telling DD she’s dumb because she’s a girl.
It is one thing to blame a patriarchal society for the wrongs perpetrated on women. A society where women do not understand each other’s struggles and show appalling lack of empathy and sensitivity is to be feared a lot more, in my opinion. Women, for the most part are still primary caregivers in a majority of the families. We shape our children’s thinking and their world view. To tell a child that it is okay to miss your grandfather’s funeral because he died on a weekday or to let a child believe that his mother will defend his wrongs just so she can continue to believe she’s doing a good job parenting is unjustifiable.
These are the kids that will in the future have zero issues with “punishing” women who dare to dress in jeans or work late at night or throw aged parents out of the house because they have become a burden. How do I get the point across to these women is the question I am posing. Please chime in with replies. Any wisdom that you can pass on will be greatly appreciated.
Some people never learn until they get a taste of their own.
I totally agree with you, it’s truly disappointing to see that women themselves don’t understand another woman’s problems. Kids learn from what they see. God help the kids who are learning such behavior from their parents!
Hey Candid,
Sometimes I get the feeling women are to blame for their own plight. We compete and compare where we should empathize and understand
Absolutely! No doubt about that.
Indeed true, how will the kids know and its this that is bringing all the problems.. but you are brave writing this on your blog , something against a women like this ..
I have written a lot many times that in most cases where a woman is hasseled or treated bad their is always a woman involved.. if a husband is treating his wife bad.. then surly the guy has a mother or a aunt or a sister .. who most of times actually support the husband of the lady ..
What you’re saying is true, Bikram. A mother-in-law will support her son over the daughter-in-law even if the son is being physically and verbally abusive. Parents will say their daughter is someone else’s responsibility after she is married. We need to value our girls more, empower, educate and make them self sufficient. I wrote this because I am a little tired of all the bitching that goes on is social situations. Somebody has to talk about it, else this will never stop
I don’t know what to say here. The first instance is so so so shameful. How can a daughter behave this way is totally beyond me. Though quite twisted but it is good thay father is unable to see the rejection he was metted out even after death.
As far as the other lady is concerned, guess the world is full of their types. They feel the universe revolves around them and whatever they do is PERFECT and they n their near & dear ones can do no wrong. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, if it is their way they are good and if it isn’t the whole world is wrong. This type of ppl judge fast andthink never. I would rather stay away from them.
In a way I am happy too that the father is no longer alive to see this kind of behavior As far as the latter is concerned, the person is oblivious to the damage she’s causing. It is saddening to see how she has slowly alienated people close to her with this behavior
I believe that none of us are right and everyone is flawed. So, that gives us no right to judge anyone else. It is true in our daily life we encounter people that we don’t get along well with. Some, we have the choice to distance ourselves from and some we have to interact with in spite of difference. In these other some cases we learn from experience and keep going. We change how we deal with them and move on.
The biggest quality we can inculcate in ourselves is to “forgive”. We have no right to put people on trial as we ourselves are wrong. If we build the strength to forgive folks for their wrongs then our lives and mind can move on peacefully. Of course, forgiveness does not in any way mean that we go back to doing the same things with the person who did wrong. It means we should not have a grudge against them but distant ourselves from them. The sooner we remove them from our lives the sooner we have peace of mind.
All that I said above was related to adults. Now when it comes to kids, as parents I understand we always try our best to shield and protect our kids from others kids with bad influences. The important thing I think we can help our own kid is by making them understand that they should stand up to bullies or kids who do not treat them nice. Among social gathering we have an easy choice to not attend when we know kids with bad influence are going to be there. It’s not easy to handle this when our kids encounter that at schools. So I strongly believe we should do our best to educate our kids to be strong and not fall to peer pressure of maintaining friendships with kids with bad influences and they have the right to be treated nice.
This is just my 2 cents. I’m sure there are better and wiser ways to handle this kind of situation. One thing to know is that you are not alone and this is a common thing lot of us has to deal with.
-Sik
This is a very well thought out reply. You have weighed all sides of the issue, as usual. The question of forgiveness doesn’t arise because she hasn’t said anything against me, at least she hasn’t to my face. That we are flawed, too, I am in agreement with. Given that we’re flawed how are we allowed to criticize people especially behind their backs? You can argue, I have criticized her behind her back by way of this post. In my defense, I’m trying to figure out a way to talk to her about this and the post was a way to get suggestions from others on how I could best do this.
As far as her parenting style is concerned, i think it’s best I keep DD away from her kids because her son’s attitude is affecting her self esteem.